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Assertiveness Skills
An assertive person is one who states their needs, wants,
feelings, opinions or beliefs in a clear, direct, specific, honest
and loving way and not at the expense of others.
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To
save time, assertive people are honest with themselves and
with others. |
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2. |
They are confident and positive. |
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3. |
They seek to understand other people, rather than trying to
get others to understand them. |
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They behave in a rational adult way. |
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They negotiate and reach workable compromises in most
difficult situations. |
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They are in charge of how they think, feel, speak and act. |
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They are always able
to say "yes" or "no" without feeling ashamed or guilty and
without justifying their answers. |
Above all, being assertive means to love your neighbour as you
love yourself and doing to others as you would have them do to you.
THE FOUR LIFE POSITIONS
Passive, aggressive,
paralysis and assertive are the only life positions from which we
communicate to other people. Of the four life positions listed
below, where do you spend most of your time? Or in other words,
where do you live?
"The four life positions."
One delegate puts it this way, "I live at
Aggressive Street but from time to time I go to visit Passive and
Assertive Streets." Another delegate said, "I spend most of my time
and life being passive but on occasions I get aggressive and feel in
a state of paralysis." "90% of the time when I communicate with
others I am aggressive", said another delegate. What about you? To
be passive, aggressive or in paralysis, will waste your time, life
and that of others. I care about you.
Passive People
Believe that others are better than themselves.
Do not get straight to the point.
Are shy, easy to "give up" and surrender.
Spend time feeling
inadequate and being depressed.
Are the perfect
target for an aggressive person.
Often find themselves
saying, "I am sorry, please help me."
Use the common
phrase: "You're ok, I'm not ok."
Fig 4.4 "Passive person under pressure from
aggressive person."
One of the most difficult things for a passive
person to do is to get straight to the point. They spend much time
beating around the bush and living within themselves. They also find
it difficult to say how they feel, thereby adding to things already
stored up inside. They often find it extremely painful and difficult
to be around other people and are the perfect target for the
aggressive person, as seen in Fig 4.4.
Aggressive People
Believe that they are
better than others.
Are autocratic and
bossy.
Find it hard to trust
and listen to others.
Spend time telling
off others and finding faults.
Are often very
frustrated and unhappy.
Have only a few
friends.
Do not know how to cope with an
assertive person.
Use the common phrase:
"I'm ok, you're not ok."
"Aggressive person in assertive clothing."
Beware of aggressive people who come to you
disguised as an assertive person. They appear to be assertive on the
outside but inwardly they are ravening wolves dressed in sheep's
clothing. "They will tear you apart." An assertive person is
assertive outwardly and inwardly but an aggressive person can be
assertive outwardly and at the same time be aggressive inwardly. How
will you know such an aggressive person? It is actually very easy.
Let me explain.
"You can detect them by the way they act, just as
you can identify a tree by its fruit. You need never confuse
grapevines with thorn bushes, or figs with thistles. Different kinds
of fruit trees can quickly be identified by examining their fruit. A
variety that produces delicious fruit never produces an inedible
kind. And a tree producing an inedible kind can't produce what is
good. So the trees having the inedible fruit are chopped down and
thrown on the fire. Yes, the way to identify a tree or a person is
by the kind of fruit produced. Not all who talk like godly people
are godly" A tree that
produces oranges cannot produce grapes.
You are not assertive because you only look
assertive, but your motive and action must be brought into question.
If you are hurtful, manipulative, make people feel guilty, lie or
use conniving means, then you are not assertive, you are aggressive!
Paralysis People
Do not believe in themselves or in
others.
Often feel suicidal.
Spend time complaining, withdrawn,
depressed and feel a sense of total hopelessness.
Do nothing constructive with their
time and life.
Believe the world will end soon, "so
why bother".
Use the common phrase: "I'm not ok,
you're not ok."
"Why bother."
The state of paralysis is for me the worst life
position to be in. It is the inability to function properly because
of psychological injury or sickness. Psychological injury can occur
due to the death of a loved one or any other similar situation. This
person has given up on life, the community and others. They feel
that no one loves or cares for them, even though they are told, "I
love you." They are easily affected by their surrounding
circumstances because of the negative way they view their lives.
Assertive People
Love people.
Are friendly, honest
and peaceable.
Find it easy to trust
and get on with others.
Spend time enjoying
their life, work, friends and family.
Are often very happy,
pleasant and fun to be with.
Have lots of friends
and are very understanding.
Are the life of the
party.
Use the common phrase: "I'm ok,
you're ok."
"An assertive person."
Assertiveness is the only life position that enables effective
team work, open communication, learning, freedom and togetherness.
Yet it is the most difficult life position to master. Most women who
are assertive are often mistaken for being aggressive. This is
because most men in my experience prefer women to be passive, in
order to maintain control. When you are assertive you are able to
stand up for your rights. Women who are assertive can be threatening
to some men.
How Do You Think, Feel and Act When:
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Your spouse shouts at you? |
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You catch your child stealing or lying? |
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You come in contact with the person who hurt
your family? |
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A bus driver drives past you deliberately? |
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Your best friend shares your secrets with
others? |
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A loved one dies? |
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You are treated unfairly because of your
colour, sex or disability? |
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Your neighbour plays the music too loud? |
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Someone criticises you, your child or someone
you love dearly? |
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The shop keeper will not give you a refund? |
Your response to any of the above ten situations will fall within
one of the four life positions. Therefore do not be a P, A, P, be
"Assertive".
Please take note and
remember that:
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Everyone is difficult sometimes. |
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It is possible that you may meet at least one
difficult person every day for the rest of your life. |
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Difficult people can show negative behaviour
through nonverbal communication without knowing that they
are doing so. |
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Difficult people are well trained from birth,
through the media, TV, friends, bad parental skills and many
other factors. |
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There are enough difficult people around to
waste your time for the rest of your life. |
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You may never know when the next difficult
person may attack you! |
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Good news! Difficult people have an
impossible job dealing with positive people. |
Mastering abnormal interactions or difficult people is a skill
that must be developed if you are to master your time and your life.
The two most powerful skills that I have perfected over the years to
overcome all abnormal interactions are:
Assertiveness
Listening4. |
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