Some of us have been hurt by friends, strangers or relatives and we never forgive them and probably never will. Every time we think about the hurt they caused, our feelings and hatred are relived, even though the incident took place over ten years ago.

One of the most powerful conflict management and decision making techniques was taught to me by a Mr Len Holmes. I had the honour and privilege to sit at the feet of Mr Holmes for three years. During that time I became qualified as a training specialist and learnt many other skills. Mr Holmes and I worked together within the community to build, from nothing, Europe's most prestigious and largest multi-million pound community centre of its kind. It now stands today as a memorial to what individuals can achieve with no educational background or finance if they agree on a vision and work as a team. This book is full of techniques that we used to build that centre, which incidentally was launched by His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales. I have used this simple and powerful technique for over ten years and have never experienced failure and sincerely believe I never will. This technique can be best remembered using the memory aid, FACE RAP.

Fig 8.1 represents a minor conflict that was not resolved, but was left to grow and mature, producing negative fruit in abundance. The fruit of war, division, murder, hatred, lying, adultery and many more. Notice also that such trees are firmly rooted in the ground, spreading their roots far and wide. Not only is it difficult to locate the root of conflict, but conflict that is left to grow are mountains to destroy. Think how much easier it is to cut down a small plant in comparison to a fully grown tree.

When you recognise conflict, locate the root cause immediately and destroy it. Do not let it mature and produce ill-fruit in abundance and more importantly, if you let the sun go down before you resolve it, you may regret it. Become like a detective in a criminal enquiry. First, you would need to ask questions, listen, round up all the facts; second, examine the evidence; finally, solve the case.

All professionals such as doctors, police, probation officers or arbitrators use the appearance as motivation to locate the real root cause of conflict. By treating the symptom you are only temporarily relieved. Now that you have investigated and are absolutely certain something is wrong, listen with empathy and be genuine, accepting, trustworthy, encouraging and sensitive.

But first! Brainstorm ways in which you could resolve the conflict. Then evaluate each idea, choosing the best one. Trust your judgement, you will know what is best. From time to time review your actions to see if this was the right choice, if not change it if you can. Finally, ask yourself, "What lessons have been learnt as a result of this conflict?" "What mistakes have I and others made?"

Do not allow this learning opportunity to pass you by. After all, you want to prevent it from happening again, don't you?

The father lived and worked with his daughter but he could not search for or identify the root cause, because there was no appearance. The appearance or the symptom must first come to the surface. With the knowledge received from his dear friend he decided not to make any assumptions but to call his daughter into a meeting. He used skilled questioning, patience, active listening and controlled his feelings. Eventually his daughter admitted that she was sexually abused by a male friend. The father concluded that had she gone straight home, or if she did not follow the male friend at his request, this may never have happened.

It must be noted that the father's conclusion was only based on listening to his daughter and not the male friend. By listening to the male friend one may get a completely different root cause.

To find the root of conflict, you must be like a skilled surgeon who has to gently cut the wounded patient open, in order to find and remove the problem. The father took several hours with his daughter before he could conclude what he felt the root cause was. The conclusion the father made must not be seen as the root cause of all such cases.

The effect of this incident upon the family was quite tremendous. It caused Mas not to trust men. Bitterness grew towards the male friend as other family members discussed what to do to him, if they found him! Time was lost. Mas was very embarrassed about what took place, she would often cry when she thought back over what had happened. These are just some of the many effects of the incident. When conflict arises, always ask the question, "What effect has this conflict had on me, my family or organisation?" Secondly, "What effect might this conflict cause if no action is taken?" The father felt that if there was no response to the conflict, then this incident could happen within another family.

Sometimes the effects of conflict can be positive. In this case Mas and her father were drawn closer together. When conflict arises, ask yourself another question, "What are the positive points to the situation, or what can I learn from it?" In most adversity there is usually an equal or greater opportunity if we have patience to look for it.

Who is responsible for taking action in this situation? First and foremost, it was the responsibility of the parents and daughter to decide what to do. Once the police were involved, the responsibility rested with the authorities.

After much consideration Mas and her parents agreed to call the police. The male friend was then arrested. He waited until the evening before the trial to plead guilty and was sent to prison for three years.

One may never be able to prevent this type of conflict from happening again. But learning from one's experience, the experience of others and becoming more knowledgeable and wiser is a great preventative measure. Mas and her father spent a great deal of time talking and learning from the conflict and from each other.

The beauty of this technique is that it is simple, very easy to understand and easy to use. The other advantage is that we all use it to some degree. By studying it more closely and applying it to your situations, will bring many benefits. Remember, you deserve the very best for the situations that you encounter. FACE RAP is probably the easiest and the best technique.